June 1st, 2011

not worth chewing through the straps

real me

In psychology, integration is usually associated with success in dissociative identity disorder, not bipolar disorder, but I think that’s part of the drug and release modus operandi adopted by most mental health practitioners in response to bipolar disorder.

A still from 'The Salton Sea'
I’m reflecting, and there’s a picture with a mirror. See what I did there?

One girl, two moods. Maybe what I need isn’t mood stabilizers and antidepressants, these chemicals that alter how I naturally feel; maybe what I need is to get good with feeling everything. Maybe what I need is to just get good with being myself.

A still from 'The Salton Sea'
Wait, what?

Of course, then the question becomes: who am I? How much of this is bipolar disorder, and how much of it is me? I don’t remember how normal feels, how I am without bipolar disorder, and even when I’m on drugs, I’m just that: bipolar and on drugs. What parts of me are intrinsic, and what parts are the disease?