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16 May 2011 @ 04:56 pm
self loathing  

In the vein of self-injury and suicidal ideation, self-loathing is a self-destructive fact of life for the bipolar patient.

A still from 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'
Are you fucking kidding me with this post? Who are you to write this post?

Self-loathing mostly goes with depression, but it can also pop up during mixed states and mania. Self-loathing is even a problem when the patient is medicated, because by then it is a learned behavior.

A still from 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'
Shut up, Mind! I needed you for the SAT’s, but that was it!

Self-loathing is like having Perry van Shrike live in your head. It’s not an external voice—that’s schizophrenia—but your own, saying hateful things to you all the livelong day. You sit down to write a paper. Perry watches over your shoulder.

“Who the fuck are you to string to words together?”

“Shut up,” you say, and begin to write. Perry waits until you make a mistake.

“Of all the dipshit things to do,” he says. “Who taught you grammar?”

You tap irritably at the backspace key. “Sane people make mistakes.”

“How you can claim to know that, given your vast experience with sanity, is beyond me,” Perry says. “I can’t believe you’re doing this. Why don’t you just go outside and step in front of a bus, instead?”

“Quiet, you.”

A still from 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'
Perry does not have time for your shenanigans.

You finish the paper, and print a copy to turn in. Perry watches you wrestle the stapler.

“I sure as shit hope you’re better at collating than you are at, oh, anything else.”

“I can’t even collate in peace?”

“Apparently not, idiot,” Perry says, and nods at the bead of blood welling up on your thumb. Stupid stapler.

And on it goes. You cannot even collate without your backseat driver critiquing everything that you do. At least with self-loathing, you’re never self-lonely.

current mood: crankyshut up, brain
Hidden Willow: TSCC // Cameronhiddenw on May 17th, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)
Ah, self-loathing. Kinda like my imaginary friend. Err, frenemy? Enemy? I dunno.

What you said about it being a learned behavior is so key and yet somehow I forget it all the time. How can I be fair to myself when I realize I'm being crazy when I don't know how to think any differently? My system has all these worn pathways of self-hate and they fire off before I can stop myself. 'I'm ugly.' 'I'm naive.' 'I'm lazy.' 'I'm stupid.' 'I'm weak.' 'I'm immature.' I don't know how to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I can't truly believe other people are flawed the way I am because I see only what people want me to see. Whereas, I see ALL of me, all the bad stuff, ALL the time. The comparison isn't flattering.
the kilmer cure: better put a leash on your boythekilmercure on May 18th, 2011 02:05 am (UTC)

I forget it, too. It's like habit; your kneejerk reaction to anything becomes to wallow in how much you suck.

*hugs* I think you're pretty neat, though.

a girl with far away eyes: perry give you thirty secondsvodkaplaid on May 26th, 2011 01:32 am (UTC)
My self-loathing voice isn't as strong as Perry, but it does pop up occasionally. Like when I forget to pay bills and realize they're overdo, and the voice says, "Why can't you get your act together? It's not like they change the due dates!" And I tell it to shut up, and we're okay until I do another bone-headed thing.

But if I had Perry in my head like your (very pitch perfect) example, I'd have to smother him in his sleep.
the kilmer cure: high on life and also herointhekilmercure on May 26th, 2011 05:04 pm (UTC)

I'd have to smother him in his sleep.

I would love to! I just haven't figured out where to put the pillow yet . . .