the kilmer cure (thekilmercure) wrote,
the kilmer cure

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self loathing

In the vein of self-injury and suicidal ideation, self-loathing is a self-destructive fact of life for the bipolar patient.

A still from 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'
Are you fucking kidding me with this post? Who are you to write this post?

Self-loathing mostly goes with depression, but it can also pop up during mixed states and mania. Self-loathing is even a problem when the patient is medicated, because by then it is a learned behavior.

A still from 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'
Shut up, Mind! I needed you for the SAT’s, but that was it!

Self-loathing is like having Perry van Shrike live in your head. It’s not an external voice—that’s schizophrenia—but your own, saying hateful things to you all the livelong day. You sit down to write a paper. Perry watches over your shoulder.

“Who the fuck are you to string to words together?”

“Shut up,” you say, and begin to write. Perry waits until you make a mistake.

“Of all the dipshit things to do,” he says. “Who taught you grammar?”

You tap irritably at the backspace key. “Sane people make mistakes.”

“How you can claim to know that, given your vast experience with sanity, is beyond me,” Perry says. “I can’t believe you’re doing this. Why don’t you just go outside and step in front of a bus, instead?”

“Quiet, you.”

A still from 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang'
Perry does not have time for your shenanigans.

You finish the paper, and print a copy to turn in. Perry watches you wrestle the stapler.

“I sure as shit hope you’re better at collating than you are at, oh, anything else.”

“I can’t even collate in peace?”

“Apparently not, idiot,” Perry says, and nods at the bead of blood welling up on your thumb. Stupid stapler.

And on it goes. You cannot even collate without your backseat driver critiquing everything that you do. At least with self-loathing, you’re never self-lonely.

Tags: bipolar disorder, kiss kiss bang bang, self-loathing
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